It's not the feminists. It's patriarchy. Again.

For reasons I shan't go into I had someone rant at me about how fathers got a hard time of it when it comes to seeing their kid following a break up. It's not an uncommon complaint from fathers and before I go on, I'll admit that the law does go in favour of women here. I'll also put in that some of the people I know that have been facing an ongoing battle regarding access to their kids have had an undeservedly rubbish time, sometimes through no fault of their own, sometimes there are several things they could have done or could be doing to help resolve the situation, but regardless of that they have my sympathy. 

This also doesn't relate to my own personal experience. This is simply a reaction to the bile I have heard being spewed by men about how unfair it all is and how their hate is targeted, as a result towards women and feminists and how they feel they have no responsibility in this. When I've questioned their views (and I'm thinking of a lot of them here, including a high profile MP for the Lib Dems) they've become angry. How dare anyone make them feel powerless? Why should women get things all their own way? More often than not, they like to turn it around on you and say that you must be harbouring some sort of deep resentment towards men for even questioning this. Well, yeah, I mean I do but it's mainly because you don't put the loo seat down. If you'd get past the "BLOODY WOMEN!" thing then you might just see that actually we are on your side and you need to calm the fuck down.

What I'm sick of hearing is how their bad time is pretty much entirely down to feminism and women in general bloody well getting everything their own way. How dare they? I'm sorry. It's not feminism, it isn't even all down to the women. The law is the way that it is largely because of men.

Firstly, let's look at the issue of the law itself. Now, I'm not an expert. I don't know enough about the law to tell you who wrote it and why. One thing I am reasonably certain of is that women aren't hugely involved in the writing and implementing of it. Men outnumber us in that particular area. I mean, otherwise the women who were responsible might have wanted to add a bit more in other areas, like longer sentences for rape or harassment or shoes or whatever else we worry our silly little heads about. Maybe they were all on their periods that day. I don't know. Somehow I can't believe a situation where, that the men who are generally In charge of making the law got to Family Law, scratched their heads and said " nah, let's just give this bit to the feminists". Similarly I can't see a situation where a bunch of angry feminists relentlessly petitioned the beardy men to create a system where women are solely responsible for looking after children. It's not really what feminism is about but then again, they too may all have been on their period.

Why is it that women are generally given custody? I'm going out on a limb here and I'm going to suggest that it's a general consensus that a mother's place is with her children. Or, raising children is traditionally a woman's role. Now, I'm pretty sure that the feminists would agree that it's a role that should be shared equally. I don't remember the big protest and bra-burning fest where women held placards saying "we want to do more laundry!". That doesn't come from women. Women are expected to be able to raise kids. It's our job, apparently. That comes from living in a patriarchy where a single mother is seen as a burden on society whilst a single father is lauded as a hero.

I'm not suggesting that loving fathers shouldn't be granted equal access to their kids. I'm not even suggesting that the current system is fair. I am saying that by directing your anger towards women and feminism, you are missing the root cause of the problem. And that's mainly men.

The spit and bile I've had directed at me by these men is off the scale. They see me, a single mother, as the enemy. It's somehow my fault that they are in this situation. They have to be angry at someone and here, right before them, is a woman who has the audacity to be a woman! I think what gets me is the relentless self pity. It's almost tangible. It oozes off them and what makes it so much worse for me is that they think it's all so much worse for them. Like somehow it would still be bad if it was women going through it. But not as bad because they're women and they're probably used to all that oppression stuff. But this is more serious because it's happening to MEN! Oh the humanity. 

The worst offender was the MP. I wrote to him to ask about what his plans were for several issues affecting women in the workplace. He wrote back that "as a single father, my main concern is the inequality currently facing men in getting access to their children." because the two are mutually exclusive. Obviously. The same email also says "p.s. Are you on your period or something?" but only because I scribbled it on there myself in pencil.

Then there's the problem of what some men think is acceptable in terms of contributing to their kids lives. I've every respect for those that are struggling to get regular access. Good luck to you! The system is starting to change for the better and I hope you get the result you and your kids need. Less so for the ones who only want to see them for a couple of days every other week,so it gives them enough time to have their lives, take the kids for and ice cream and a selfie for social media with something like "my gorgeous kids <3<3<3" before they ship them back off to their mother who has to deal with the more mundane and, yes, tougher parts of parenting. The ones that are always coming up with excuses as to why they can't see them one weekend or the other. The ones that expect everyone to work around them and then moan when it's questioned or why they can't get the time they want all at their own convenience and think it's ok to mess their ex and their kids about. They can all get in the fucking sea. You are also part of the reason that women get given parental responsibility.

I put on Facebook that I was on a feminist rant. Hilariously a bunch of men piped up with "do the washing up first", "that's nice love" and "is it your time of the month?" Ha ha ha. These are all men, I hasten to add that I like and respect and I know that they are all big advocates for equality so it's fine, it's a joke. It's funny when women get angry about feminism. And it really is that time of the month so one of them had a point. I don't see the same quips being levelled at fathers undergoing discrimination. Suddenly inequality isn't that funny anymore. To the poor bastard that posts "can't believe I won't get to see my kids for another month now the court date has been postponed :'(", I don't write "lol stop your yapping and put some shelves up" Hahahaha no.

We're on your side guys. Seriously, feminists want equality and parents want what's best for their kids. Stop giving women a hard time because you're having one. It's actually, honestly not our fault.

Small tribute to Andrew Kerr

I deliberated about writing this as I did not know Andrew Kerr. Unlike some of my friends who are understandably deeply saddened by his loss and doubtless reflecting on their own happy memories of this extraordinary man, I can't lay claim to having spent any time getting to know him. 

At the funeral of my uncle, some years ago, I heard my father give an amazing speech about the life of the man he had hero worshiped. It was uplifting, moving and the message that I took from it was this: Celebrate the man. Tell each other stories about him.  And that is all that this blog is. It's a story and a happy memory of someone incredible who I had the privilege of meeting on a sunny Sunday morning in July in a barn in Wiltshire. 

I have been to Glastonbury a couple of times. It was nearly 20 years ago now. Back in the days when people gathered up behind the fences at the Greenfields and stormed them on a Friday night. I don't remember a lot about it because it was a long time ago and, well, it was a festival. I remember it rained. I remember feeling a sense of freedom. I remember feeling lucky to be there. I remembered the rain. And some more rain. Some mud. And the Pyramid Stage. By far the best bands that I saw performed there and I remember that being one of my favorite places around the Glastonbury site. I didn't know then that I was going to spend the best part of a Sunday morning talking to the man that was responsible for it. 

Skip forwards 20 years to a small festival on a farm in Wiltshire. The Cock and Bull Festival is much more 'me' as I hurtle towards middle age. Glastonbury was fun but I don't have the money, the time or the patience with large crowds that I once did. This little festival is run to make money and raise awareness for charity organisation Jamie's Farm. A worthy cause if ever there was one. You can learn more about it here http://www.jamiesfarm.org.uk/. 

It's my little haven, where I get to see some of the people that matter the most to me and generally behave like a kid again all whilst learning about ethical farming, throwing eggs at people, singing sea shanties and dancing on rickety tables. I was introduced to this festival by Don Shades, a friend from many years back. He and his friend Mikey had spent a great deal of time making a film about Andrew Kerr and had become good friends with him in the process. Don has a million little stories about Andrew. I hope he gets to tell them a lot. They paint an almost mythical picture of the man behind the vast projects and achievements, someone with a deep sense of spirituality that he wanted to share with the world but so very much human, with his own quirks and habits. 

A glorious hot Sunday morning after a sweaty and silly Saturday night. It was a festival, you don't have to use too much imagination to know how most people were feeling. I'd wondered on to the farmyard in search of a strong coffee and an egg roll. Don had said he was meeting Andrew that morning and I found them sitting in the barn drinking such strong coffee as I had been looking for I had been looking for. Andrew had managed to get a fried egg roll which had apparently exploded all over him just before I got there. I'd met him briefly the previous year but to be honest I'd been a bit overawed at the thought that this man, one of the original Glastonbury organisers, a man who has realised dreams that I envy almost every day of my adult life,  wanted to sit down and drink tea with us mere mortals was too much. That Sunday though, I was feeling worse for wear and my sense of awe was largely aimed at the fresh faced legends who were on hand to serve the coffee and food I so needed at that point. 

The weather was hot and the world had taken on a slightly surreal feeling (festival, remember?) as I sat down with Don, his sister Ruth, his significant other Rey and Andrew. People peeled off , either to get more coffee or cakes or to dance to the first band of the day that had started playing in the lambing shed. So I was left with Andrew and suddenly didn't know what to say. I mean I didn't really want my opening gambit to be anything as naff a "So. Glastonbury, eh? How was that crazy shit?". If he knew I was feeling a bit overawed he didn't show it. He was quite happy to sit there and take in the atmosphere of the festival. He laughed about the egg covering his clothes, talked about the music, how much he liked the Cock and Bull festival. He told me that this was the idea when he organised Glastonbury - that it would encourage other people to create celebrations of their own. 

He looked frail, he was using a walking frame ("It's great, I can keep all my stuff in it and it doubles up as a chair. I think it's fantastic), was softly spoken and though he was withered by age, he wasn't daunted by it. His eyes still had a cheeky glint but there was no arrogance or boastfulness about the things he has done or seen. And this was a man who had done and seen a lot. 

I felt an amazing sense of calm just chatting to him. Mostly it was just random stuff. He told me about dousing ("That works?" "Oh yes"), about driving a car whilst on LSD - but not in any effort to make himself sound cool, it just sort of, came up in conversation (it was a festival, remember?). He was genuinely interested in everything going on around him, the people, the place, the band. There was no mention from anyone about how crazy our previous night had been. There was no need. It would have seemed wrong somehow, and besides, it wasn't like it would have impressed him. 

The couple of hours I spent just speaking with him really made that day special for me. And I couldn't tell you why. They just did. Eventually I went off to look at some piglets and dance in the lambing shed. 

I met him a couple of hours later in a small stone barn where everyone had gathered to watch a screening of a documentary about bats. Once everyone had taken their seats, one of the organisers announced that they were privileged to have one of the organisers of Glastonbury in their midst. Andrew received a huge round of applause. He smiled warmly at everyone and the documentary started.

Afterwards, as he was leaving the stone barn he said to me "I wasn't expecting that at all. I'm almost embarrassed". I wasn't really sure what to say. In the couple of hours we'd sat and chatted I hadn't had the guts to say "you are a hero!". Yet here he was, slightly confused as to why anyone would applaud him and genuinely touched that people afforded him so much respect. "But you inspired...well...all of this." I said. "You're a legend" (I had to say it. It sounded as stupid as it..well, as it sounds, but I had to say it). He just shrugged and said how nice it was of people to think so and went off to sample some of the local food. 

I didn't speak to him much after that except to say goodbye. 

It's not an interesting story, perhaps. It's not one that in years to come I'll be saying 'Did I ever tell you about the time I met Andrew Kerr?', that's not really the point. But it's a few hours of my life that I really enjoyed and I'm glad that I got the chance to spend them with this man who has done so much in his life.

I didn't know him and my heart goes out to all of those who are missing him today. Celebrate the man. Tell each other stories about him. 

Tube strike - yeah, whatever

There was a day when we all threw up our arms at the very mention of a tube strike. "NOOOOO!" we cried "WHY BOB? WHY??". We all called off of work for the day and bemoaned the humanity of it all. 

Since then, however, what with 'planned' engineering works, part closures, delays, overcrowding, faulty ticket machines, staff shortages, unplanned engineering works, cancellations due to rain, cancellations due to wind, cancellations due to snow, cancellations due to sun, cancellations due to planned engineers pouring quick drying cement into a control room, signal failures (faulty lightbulbs incidentally) - and those are just the ones I can think of in a few minutes. There are better ones - it just doesn't make much of a difference anymore. 

Thus it is that the vast majority of FB posts I have seen about the tube today haven't been the cries of those stranded and unable to get to their low paid jobs (where they also face the threat of losing hours, pay and even their jobs) but put the strike down to being yet another minor inconvenience. So well done Bob, Borris and everyone else involved. You have made public transport so shit that a strike is not a political statement but just another thing in a long list of things that make the daily grind a bit more rubbish for everyone. 

It means that gobshite Bob Crow no longer holds London over a barrel, but it's a hollow victory. Ultimately it means that we all just accept that the service is shit, the journey to work is going to be a ball ache and we may as well just get on with it cause we need the money.